WAITING TO EXHALE by Christina O'Rourke

I am coming back to a place l have missed since l was 8 years old. I was looking out of my dormitory window at school; it was a glorious summers night, birds doing their song. Golden shafts of sunlight were flashing through the leaves of the trees. l was mesmerized by the colour of life. Such peace, stillness, a quietness within me. I have never forgotten that moment of simpleness, ever. It would be my guiding post home again in later years. I felt safe, at one, in my body, l felt something beyond me, there was an intimacy with the night, life and with me. I was truly happy. There were no ambitions, a need to be someplace else, no desires, no longing for anything. There were no bewildering questions to be asked, no answers sought for. A beautiful cantered sense of peace and contentment with me, with life as is. That knowing got lost with life's challenges, and l have searched high and low for it since, everywhere but where it actually resides - only with me.

As an adult - Self help books, seminars, 8 day residential workshops, Therapies, flying across worlds to meet with wiser than me for answers. To end up right back, too where l once meet it as an 8 year old. Nothing had given me that feeling yet l had it. I was too young to analysis, to reason, my books where Edith Blytin "Adventures". I didn't have anything externally that other kids had, yet l was naturally happy.

I have ended up exhausted from the struggles, panic of it all. Another workshop, another book, another, another. One day in March l finally stopped (I did a Forest Gump - l stopped running). I cleared my dairy of all events, plans. It has proven to be the best decision l have made in a very long time. I now know without a doubt that the answers where "not you", "not that", "not their", "not over their". But right here under my very nose. The struggle is ending - l have exhaled. I am falling in love with "enough".

Looking back - all of those Therapies never worked. Yes each had its place on my passage to now somewhat. The only time l ever felt discontented with me or my life was when l attended a residential workshop. I would get caught up in others emotions, hurts and they would seep into my very psyche. Suddenly l wanted to change everything about where l was, where l lived, who l was with, OH and there was something dreadfully wrong with Me.! Now l disliked me even further. I would be left with huge self doubts, fragmented. Suddenly who l was, was not enough. Save yourself a lot of money - find out as you go along its more impacting and sustainable. The natural flow of life will teach you. It's the natural seasons of life. I have learned more outside of them than l ever did in them. You have to be fully in your own empowerment/soul in order to allow, appreciate, accept one who is, or wants to be - bringing that fully out in them. It is a rare Facilitator/Therapist who can do that. Most are working from their narcissistic ego not their Soul - so watch who you let near that precious aspect of you - your very being. In the past l wasn't and paid a huge price for that carelessness. Not listening to my instincts.

St. Francis said "What we are searching for is already where your searching from" What you're looking for is already where your looking from. That is extremely difficult for many to grasp especially for me for a long time. What where looking for in all the misdirected places - in relationships, status, external success, image, power, excitement, highs - is actually true intimacy with ourselves. An Intimacy at rest in your own spirit. To be in love with simpleness, be at peace with yourself, loving your talents, loving being you without the desires to be anything other than who you truly are. Understanding must take place so that the delusion/hypnosis is finally over. We have woken up to REALITY, our reality not societies pressures of what and who we should be.

I learned something huge when travelling. All of my life l was obsessed by 3 words - they were all over my college notes. Freedom, reaching my full potential, and joy. Not one of these can be bought, caught, taught, and met in another. Only experienced for what they are not. They are not external they are internal. To be free of societies pressures of what is successful and go do what you really enjoy doing. What do you get lost in doing when you're doing it, it needs no one's admiration or approval? Freedom from your own mind chatter, beliefs about yourself, and how you define you. Reaching my full potential - the only potential l need to reach is to fall in love intimately with myself, the God within me, to celebrate my life, do what brings me joy. Otherwise you will discover when your 80 - that "you had the ladder up against the wrong wall". You didn't enjoy any of it - it was all such a struggle, when it could have been so effortless and serene, an utter joy. A life beautifully lived free from tension, anxieties, worry, panic, pushing, competiveness, making happen. Downright exhausting, and insane. It is so simple and we make it so complicated.

So exhale everyone. There is nothing to achieve - nothing. No direction to go. You are it already, and there is no place to go to get it. Sit with the pressure of the desires - they will pass, it's only the mind (narcissistic ego) telling you, it's not enough, you're not enough. Don't give your thoughts energy. Each time the energy will be weaker - then watch the peace arise. Watch your real self arise. Watch your spirit arise. Your home finally to the truth of life. Watch for that moment arising again from long ago - when an 8 year old girl looking out of a dormitory window - knew bliss. This is my symphony!

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